the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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