he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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