my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
