I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
