I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
