just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
third nipple confirmed
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
