I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
