1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Do vagina's smell?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
