I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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