she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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