theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
