God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
