i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
