I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
