I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
