her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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