I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just pee around me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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