how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
