if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
