$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
