You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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