You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
