im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
