i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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