I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
