On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
