My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My feet surprised me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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