Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
