You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
