This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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