Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
