Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
