My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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