I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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