Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
