you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
