Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
