is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she pinky promised me she was 18
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
