I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
