theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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