My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
