dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
