Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
