i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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