I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
