this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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