I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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