I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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