Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
