So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
